Hey everyone! I thought I would post again to let you all know that I’m okay! It’s been a really difficult few months, for me and for the people closest to me. I basically had an enormously productive nervous breakdown/midlife crisis. It’s been fucking awful.
I’m sorry that I’ve been lashing out a bit. I’ve been blessed with a lot of clarity recently and my life is going to be changing radically as I move forward. I’ve been so fucked up and lonely and stifled/oppressed by my PTSD and trauma that I couldn’t see myself clearly at all. I couldn’t see how much my PTSD and trauma were colouring every aspect of my life.
These very vulnerable posts that I’ve been making have been an important way of asserting boundaries that I’ve never had (I have almost never set boundaries when it comes to people at all) and also as a mechanism for me to discover who is at my back. Cancer started this process for me and now I’m trying to move forward more intentionally. The path I’m carving out for myself is financially precarious and seething with the critical voices of millions of people who are more hurt, angry, and damaged than I am.
And they are going to come for me.
So thank you everyone who has responded to me over the past few weeks or sent me inspiration or really anything. All of you have inspired me so much and have had a profound effect on everything I will be doing for the rest of my life.
I am finally going to show some of you (those who are smart enough to be interested right now) who I am. I’m going to teach you about all of the things I’ve loved and all of the things that have brought me inspiration, gratitude, and joy over the course of my miserable 38 year long life.
I’m going to teach you how cancer has been the most significant rung on my growth ladder to date. And I’m going to show you a way to live, a way to think, and a way to appreciate yourself and the things around you because I really fucking don’t want cancer to be a part of anyone else’s growth ladder.
I’m also going to teach you about health. About how I’ve become invested in my health as a fat person, and how fat phobia, particularly medical weight stigma, has made me destroy my body. Because that’s what I’ve done, I destroyed my body. There are a lot of very complex, vulnerable, scary reasons for that. They’re reasons that can help you live a healthier life, whether you’re fat or thin or somewhere in between.
I am the owner of three (3) very serious inflammatory auto-immune conditions. I have decreased the inflammation in my body to the point where it basically doesn’t exist anymore. Let me teach you how I still get to eat Wendy’s and also reduce the inflammation in my body at the same time.
The ultimate secret is gratitude. It’s finding things in the world that you can be grateful for. It’s finding things in the world that lift you up, that you can love despite their flaws: people, books, video games, crafts, art, culture. It’s about not punishing Jeff Gerstmann for giving Twilight Princess an 8.8. It’s about kindness and generosity and accepting that we can still love things that others don’t like and that we can still love things even though they aren’t perfect.
I’m sorry that I don’t have much to show you yet, but let this be my commitment to you that something big is coming from me. I’m not sure if it will ever be anything other than my new, whole face, my new whole combined self that I use to build my tribe. But I realized that I’ve been compartmentalizing my life in all the wrong ways.
And really, none of you know anything about me.
I want to rectify that. I want to be a whole ass adult fucking person. I want you to see what I’ve been doing all these years, because no one has any fucking idea! I want to publicly, without apology or guilt, live my best fucking life.
I’m going to be planning out this project in October. In November, I’m going to do NaNoWriMo for the first time. I love writing challenges. I’ve done NaBloPoMo (National Blog Posting Month) at least 5 times now (2 or 3 times successfully) and it’s always been a challenging but rewarding experience. I want to do that differently this time. I want to write essays, but I want them to have a unifying theme and this is what I will be doing over the next two months. 50 000 words is nothing, I can do that in my sleep.
I will also be doing some reconnecting with friends, chosen family, and with my incredible partner, Sean Whitworth, who has been my amazingly supportive #1 fan for the past 6 years and who I could never, ever have done any of this without. When I was in my most desperate and lonely place, he extended a hand to me. I don’t think either of us ever knew how important that would be, but that was my true lollipop moment. I would not be here right now without you.
And really, I wouldn’t be here right now without all of you. Everyone who has touched my life has inspired me in some way. Some negative, some positive, some mixed. I have loved you all in some way and my love is pure and eternal because I can see your damage too. I can see your hurt and pain and your flaws and I’m still here. I see you. I notice you.
And what I really, really want to do is put my arms around all of you and bring you with me. So please be patient, but consistent, and I will show you how much I love you.