Things you should do for your friend who has cancer

I’ve come a long way over the past six months.  My journey with having cancer so far has taught me a lot of important lessons and I have learned a great deal about the disease, about myself, and about the people around me.  There is no doubt that I have been fortunate enough to receive a great deal of support from my partner, friends, and family and I am and always will be grateful for that support.  There have been a good number of missteps along the way, however, and I wanted to spend some time over my next two posts discussing the right and wrong ways to go about supporting your loved one who has cancer.

1. Ask them what they need from you and follow through.

Your friend or loved one has cancer and it’s not about you, it’s about them.  The best thing that you can do for anyone who is suffering in some way is to ask them how you can help.  Chances are you’re going to get a response that is remarkably simple and easy for you to accomplish or they won’t really ask you for anything at all, but they will be extraordinarily appreciative.  If they do ask you for something, make sure you follow through and actually do it, it will make your loved one’s day, week, month or even year.

Letting your loved one know that you are ready to take action for them rather than just offer words of support from time to time is remarkably powerful.  In general, I would say that this is a great thing to do if you want to be an ally to any person who belongs to a marginalized group, whether they have a chronic illness or disability or if they are a person of color, fat, queer, non-binary, etc…

2. Listen and absorb.

While it’s pretty well guaranteed that you already know someone who has cancer, has survived cancer, or who has died of cancer, your friend’s treatment plan and side effects will likely be phenomenally different from that other person or people you know.  Unfortunately, because cancer treatment and side effects vary so much from person to person, we tend to oversimplify the whole experience into hair loss, nausea and fatigue.  In reality, your friend has a lot more going on than what what is typically depicted on television and their treatment could be quite different from what you’re used to seeing.

Because of all this, most people who are diagnosed with cancer automatically become educators and if your loved one is explaining something to you, chances are they’ve had to explain it to everyone else they know.  As such, you should pay them the courtesy of listening to what they have to say and absorbing it.  It’s okay to ask questions (as long as they’re not too invasive) and get clarification, but you don’t want to force your friend to repeat themselves too much.  Letting your friend know that you’re really listening and understanding will make them feel loved and supported and also make their lives a lot easier.

3. Make an effort to talk to them and/or hang out with them.

Sometimes cancer treatment can make you feel isolated.  Even if you feel like your friend or loved one is an incredibly positive person who is managing everything like a pro, chances are they’re actually falling apart on a fairly regular basis.  It can be hard to reach out sometimes.  We don’t want to feel like a burden or we feel like our friends have enough to deal with, particularly if they all have children, marriages and full time jobs to manage.  Sometimes the best way to show someone that you support them is to just make a small effort to contact them.  You don’t need to spend hours on the phone with them every day or reschedule your whole life around them: send them a text message from time to time to let them know you’re thinking about them or ask them out for a coffee and chill for an hour.  This is the time that you want to let your friend know that they’re important to you — it will make a significant positive impact on their mental health.

I hope that someone out there might find this a bit helpful.  Next Tuesday I’ll be moving on to discuss a few things you shouldn’t do for your friend who has cancer.  Please look forward to it!

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