When I was first diagnosed with cancer at the end of last year, I didn’t think that hair loss would be much of a problem for me. I’d make some hats, get a wig and everything would be fine. I was wrong. It’s fucking awful.
I should probably start by saying that not all chemotherapy protocols cause hair loss. Loads of folks are able to go through chemotherapy with their hair fully intact, but based on my experience so far, most people have at least some hair thinning. This is essentially the result of how chemotherapy drugs attack cells. Cancer cells multiply and grow quickly, much faster than normal cells which is what makes them so dangerous — they begin to take over healthy, normal tissue in your body. Chemotherapy drugs, then, are designed to kill the cells in your body with the fastest growth rates. Of the normal cells in your body, your hair and nail cells are the ones that grow the fastest, thus chemotherapy tends to cause problems with your nails and hair.
As I write this, it’s January 28th. I had to shave my head today.
I cried the whole time and so did my mother. I cut my hair short in December and it hasn’t grown much since then. She cut the excess with scissors and then used clippers to shave the rest. When I looked at myself in the mirror, I cried harder. I suppose I should be grateful — the shape of my head isn’t terrible or weird, but it will take me some time to get used to it.
I had originally thought that my hair might just thin significantly, because it didn’t fall out very quickly. When I wanted to learn about ABVD chemotherapy, I read a lot of blogs and forum posts, thinking that it would be useful to me to read personal experiences. Most folks said that their hair fell out in clumps. Mine just fell out in wisps, a few hairs here and there. I thought my hair was looking quite good until I went to a workshop at the BC Cancer agency last week, which I’ve started writing about for Friday’s blog. I saw my hair at a few different angles and realized that if my hair was mussed up or disturbed at all, you could see bald patches.
I figured that would be the best time to give in and let my hair go and so I bought clippers and my mum and I took care of it this morning. I think the toughest part for me will be getting used to having to wear something on my head. I’m definitely not comfortable enough with how I look to go out without wearing something, but I feel awkward and strange and too warm whenever I wear a hat. I was planning on making some chemo caps using old t-shirts, but the fabric my t-shirts are made of is a little too stretchy. I think a trip to the thrift store is in order — we’ll see how that works out.
Tomorrow I will make an appointment for a wig consultation. I know that it will take some time to get used to a wig, but hopefully it will give me the confidence to go out and be comfortable with myself. I’ll probably write a bit about the process of choosing the wig and my experience wearing one in a few weeks. Hopefully by then I’ll be able to look at myself in the mirror without recoiling.